![]() On the other hand, I also came to note the importance of education, earnings, success and competence. No matter a man's age or appearance, I found him attractive if he had the above traits, especially a charming humor or wit. When all is said and done, I value generosity, kindness, humor, and optimism more than anything else. Paradoxically and unexpectedly, what I discovered in this comprehensive inquiry into the lives of strangers was less about them than about me. The only thing that kept me going was my adult daughter and a close friend, who nagged me to "stop moping around and get out there and meet someone." (For the record, when I offered to pay the fees for my adult daughter to conduct her own search online, she accepted only reluctantly and never followed up on any of the candidates who emerged she has recently begun a relationship with a man she has known for years.) In doing so, I felt vulnerable, awkward and more than a little stupid. As with most online dating sites, I needed a pseudonym for this one and imagined whatever term I chose to be a sort of "branding." My misgivings notwithstanding, I supplied the required information, paid the fees, and so joined the overly commercial world of 21st-century love and desire-in which personal ads, pornography, social networking, and personal promos are more common and consume more time than a face-to-face conversation. And then, having done that, to sift through the men's ads and, even more forbidding, reach out to a virtual stranger who wasn't even a friend of a friend. ![]() I detested having to write and post a description of my physical appearance, my reading habits, an ideal relationship and a perfect Sunday morning with my new partner. I didn't think the "hunt" would be fun or easy, and the prospect of posting an "ad" for myself was as unappealing to me as it would be to any other introvert. Which left me face-to-face with the last refuge of those in search of new partners: online matchmaking, also known as internet dating. If I rejected a candidate, would the friend who recommended him feel insulted? And if so, would the rejection-which in the nature of things happened more often than not-become the parting of ways with not one but two people, the candidate and the friend? That quandary-and the wear-and-tear of expectations raised only to be repeatedly lowered again-wore me out, and my experiment with friends' matchmaking came to a close after only a few weeks. ![]() Talking with men who were friends of my friends, meant not only adjusting to the awkwardness of meeting total strangers with a predetermined personal agenda, but the additional distraction of thinking as much about the friend as the person on the other side of the table. If anything, that experience was even more difficult to manage than geographical separation. When my outreach to long-distance lovers failed, I turned briefly to another strategy: asking friends to fix me up with single men my age who might be good candidates for long-term relationships. This is the nature of love: the beloved is both mysterious (fascinating) and familiar (comfortable) we begin to see the world through someone else's eyes. Over time, you feel fascinated that you can be close and trusting and different, all at the same time. Often, love begins with a strong emotional attachment-a magnetic attraction, a "falling in love"-but not always. Coming to know and accept another for who they really are is the practice of true love: becoming knowledgeable, witnessing, holding in mind, and repeatedly turning to the beloved with interest and willingness to enter into and resolve conflict, these are the components of true love. For that reason, as I explained in an earlier post, idealization always leads to disillusionment because another person cannot be a product of your imagination he or she is always a separate, real person. When we fall in love, we look upon the object of our desire as someone who will complete us or provide what we imagine we have always wanted or needed. To be as clear as possible about the differences between falling love and loving another: "falling in love" is largely unconscious and by its very nature involves a considerable amount of idealization and projection.
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